The thing about depression is, even when you know it's coming, it always catches you by surprise. When I'm on the updraft, it's hard to believe I ever had a good reason for feeling so bad or being so useless. I convince myself that I was dramatic and selfish, that I blew it out of proportion. What could possibly be so bad to make me so lifeless?

And then it hits me again. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and sometimes it's a slow spiral, a circling of the drain. But always, it's a shock to my system, to my life. It shuts everything down, a giant rock covered in gorilla glue and shoved into the gears. There's nothing glamorous, relaxing, or fun about staying curled up on the couch or in bed day after day trying to imagine that tomorrow will be better. 

Everything suffers, friendships, relationships, my marriage, my dogs, my health, my finances, and my mental health just deteriorates. I don't write; I don't talk; I don't bathe. I go to counseling, make sure we have milk, bread, and cereal, and come home. Otherwise, I haven't been outside in two weeks. 

There's nothing anyone can do. Talking about it makes me feel worse. So, I do whatever I have to do to make it to the next day and the day after that.

I'm still here. And this, or some version of this, is happening to people all over the world, all around you. Are you seeing the signs? Do you know what they are? Do you know what to do?

The silence gets louder every day. It seems like I lose more and more of who I am every day until all there is, is silence and emptiness. I feel like a void. And today, it feels like the void is swirling with feelings that I can't control, and whose origins I can't trace. I am overwhelmed and tired and sad. And I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

Since my depression spiraled out of control about two years ago and subsequent hospital visits, I have slowed way down. I am easily overwhelmed, exhausted, fearful of much more than I used to be, and my energy (if I wake up with any) is quickly depleted. Most of what I get done, I get done at the computer, paying bills mostly and doing research for whatever Erik and I are planning next, i.e. trips, buying things for our apartment/house, fixing the car, etc. The action steps, that come after this research, have gotten done in large part because Erik has done it or we have done it together. He is the most effective panacea for my agoraphobia. 

Over the last two weeks, I have been extremely busy in a way that is rather unusual for me since 2011. Last week, I realized way too late that the housewarming party was less than two weeks away with no free weekend in between and with many lists of things to get done. 

Friday I went to the Madonna Center with forty other women for my church's (mostly) annual women's retreat. I have gone to the last three or four women's retreats and they have always been uplifting and thoroughly enjoyable. 

There hasn't been one since Erik and I got together in late 2010. In fact, this past weekend was the first time since Erik and I met that I have gone away and left him at home. It's usually the other way around. So when I found myself on my own, away from home, knowing Erik would be home in our bed at the end of the day, my anxiety shot through the roof. I was so racked with anxiety I could hardly think straight and I certainly couldn't pray, meditate, or connect with other women. Well anyway, I eventually managed to shake the worst of it, enjoy the weekend, and learn a few things as well.

 I got an average of six hours sleep Friday and Saturday night and came home Sunday totally wiped. I took a three hour nap and then went to bed at 9:30pm. I woke up late Monday morning with a serious 'not enough sleep" hangover and those many lists stretching out in front of me. 

And this is how I found myself more busy than I've been in years. Monday was full of completing a weeks worth of 'regular' tasks in one day, so I can spend the rest of the week preparing for the housewarming. 

Today, Erik and I overslept again. He ran off to work and I spent a half hour  cleaning up paw prints from Sanka who had jumped up and down in his own poop and then come bounding into the house. Then I ran off to work, only to grab the kiddo I was taking care of for the morning and run back to my house because I forgot the landscaper's were coming today and I had left the doggies in the back yard. I made phone calls while my kiddo played fetch with the dogs and then ran back to his house to make lunch for everyone. Home, Costco, Home Depot, Lowe's, the bank, Walgreen's, pay the landscapers, lay the rubber pavers, eat dinner, take Sanka to puppy preschool, and...and...and. 

Tomorrow, onto my 'inside the house' to do list. Oh yeah and buying more pavers to finish the back yard, finding storage benches, training the puppy, making dinner, and...

There are days when it feels like I've lost before I've even gotten out of bed. Today was one of those days. 
Our puppy, Sanka, has taken to whimpering in the middle of the night until he wakes me up because he has to pee. Erik sleeps like the dead, so unless someone is jumping up and down on him, he's sleeping right through it. Last night, the whimpering woke me up at 3am. I got up, took him out, and at least I can say that he pees the second he gets out the door and then he's done, happy to go back into his crate, curl up, and go back to sleep. I did the same. Then 5am rolled around and Erik's alarm went off. Time for him to get up and go to work. 

On Wednesdays, I get a guilt-free pass to sleep-in. Wednesday is knitting night and I will stay up late so I need the extra sleep in the morning. So when Erik's alarm went off, I rolled over and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 5:20am (This is my, make sure Erik is up and getting ready alarm), Erik was still in bed. I spent the next ten minutes cajoling him out of bed. And then I rolled over and went back to sleep. 

Somewhere between 5:45 and 6am Erik came in and out of the room three different times because it was really cold today and he needed his jacket and his gloves, but he couldn't find them and he was late so he was frustrated. By 6:05am Erik was gone and I could get comfy and really fall back to sleep.

At 8am, my alarm went off for the final time. It's time to get up. Wednesday is counseling day. Every week, Wednesday is counseling day. If I don't see my counselor on Wednesday's, my week gets completely thrown off. You see, my counselor keeps me functioning. He reminds me that really I'm not that crazy, and really, I'm doing pretty well considering. But most importantly, he lets me rant and rave about whatever it is that requires ranting and raving about. I love Wednesdays. 

Despite this fact, it was very difficult to get out of bed this morning, especially since I had two soft, warm doggies snuggled up to me. So I didn't get out of bed until 9:05am and my appointment was at 9:30am. But the office is only 5 minutes away. 

I got up, let the dogs out, and got dressed in extra warm clothes because Erik had the car and I was on the scooter. I made tea, put the dogs in the crate, and then preceded to search for the keys to the scooter - all over the house. By the time I heard back from Erik that he did in fact have both sets of keys with him at work, across town, it was 9:25am and I was not handling it. 

I called my counselor, rescheduled, and resumed crying.

I should have boarded up the bed at 3am.

This week has been frustrating, challenging, and difficult. It's only Tuesday. 

I apologize for not posting yesterday. The day just escaped me. You know those days, the days when you're getting into bed and all of a sudden you realize the day is over and you have no idea how you get there. 

My whole weekend was like that and it bled right into Monday. Today was headed that way until I decided about two minutes ago that I was going to stop the day right in its tracks and catch up. 

Luckily, I found out earlier today that I will be uncharacteristically home on Thursday and so that means I don't have to sit here at the computer banging my head against the wall trying to get this project to work while technology refuses to cooperate. I have the luxury of just stopping. I will come back to it tomorrow. I have time. And maybe, just maybe, by taking the time to let myself catch up with the events of the last few days I will also be able to stop the anxiety that has been snowballing and threatening to build until it crumbles me like a tsunami.

Erik calls to tell me he's on his way home from work; my time to catch up will be short lived. I'm glad he's coming home, but with his arrival comes a host of expectations that I cannot handle right now. I did not get any time to just be today. So he will come home and make dinner. I will feel bad, because really, he's been at work all day and should be the one who gets to come home and just be. The guilt will snowball into feelings of worthlessness ----> thoughts providing evidence of that ---> deepened depression ----> anxiety about what I should have done/be doing/will have to do tomorrow ----> more anxiety/depression. 

I am going to log off now. Go sit in a comfortable spot and try to catch up without letting the vicious cycle above spiral out of control. In the mean time, here's an interesting series the NY Times is doing on anxiety. Check it out.